Emotional Meltdown

Last Sunday at church, July 20, 2008, I was overwhelmed with emotions. It was a hard, but good, interesting morning. Over the weekend my pain had been pretty intense so I was growing weary as it was. So that morning at church I was super sensitive to the on-goings around me. My friend Brittney just had a baby a couple weeks ago, and she goes to my church as do her parents and siblings. All but one sibling that is, who lives across the country and just had a baby girl of her own. However, she was in town visiting this weekend, and the two sisters were meeting up at church and getting to meet their niece/nephew for the first time. I was there to watch the moment and it was amazing. Seeing two new moms, sisters, coming together with children for the first time was amazing. It could have been a MasterCard commercial: Airplane ticket across the country - $600, diapers, wipes and outfits for the trip - $200, sisters meeting their children for the first time – Priceless. Some things in life just can’t be bought. For everything else – there’s MasterCard.

As amazing and precious as the morning was it hit my emotions hard. Most of you know I cannot have children due to complications from endometriosis, so it is bitter sweet for me seeing close friends having babies. I thought I was doing fine that morning at church, but those close to me could tell I was not okay. Everyone from church was sitting in the foyer area, and our pastor had just begun to pray to open us up for the morning. I was sitting with my arms folded across my chest, and my dear friend Molly was sitting next to me. Soon I felt Molly’s arms around me and her soft voice whisper “it’s okay.” That’s all it took for the tears to begin to flow freely from my eyes. The touch from Molly felt like nothing less than the presence of an angel. It felt so warm and so safe, and I was finally able to release emotion like I have not ever done before.

I had a hysterectomy in May of 2006, making it a reality that I would never have children of my own. Since that time there have been many emotions for me to work through. Close friends have had children, co-workers have had children, and families where I live continue to grow. I thought I had been working through my emotions, and I thought I was doing better. But this Sunday morning at church, I found myself hurting, and found myself able to release emotions in a new and complete way. I cried so hard, and so much that morning, I didn’t even know there was that much pain inside of me. I could not stop crying. Molly sat with me in the foyer for awhile, and then she left me to be with my husband for a bit. Nate sat with me for awhile and then we made our way into the sanctuary and I tried to make it through service. However the tears still kept flowing and I had to excuse myself several times to get more tissue.

It was a hard morning, but also a very good morning for me. God has given me a precious gift in Molly. She is so in tune with the Holy Spirit and she allowed the Spirit to guide her to comfort me. I shared with Molly that it seriously felt like an angel when she put her arms around me, and she told me that it was totally the Holy Spirit who told her I was not doing okay. I know for sure that we were in the presence of God that morning. I have never felt so safe to release emotion than I did that morning. I don’t even feel like I was in control that morning. It was completely the Holy Spirit working to heal my heart. I made progress that morning. It was draining, but very much needed. I felt God in a new way. I felt his presence more than I have ever experienced him before.

Thank you Jesus for healing my heart. Thank you for the precious friend you’ve given me in Molly. Thank you for giving her a discerning spirit and a heart to minister to those around her. Thank you Jesus for a loving husband who is here to support me when I am hurting. And thank you Jesus for creating families just the way you want them to be created. I know you are writing our family story and I cannot wait to see your perfect plan.